Alfredo Afro

Comic - Prejudiced

Thu, 17 May 2012 00:00:00 MDT

Ah, the disease known as "bros." It's okay, Super Mario was able to get away with it and retain its non-bully status.

Then again, he does jump on helpless turtles' heads.

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Comic - Blockbooster

Tue, 15 May 2012 00:00:00 MDT

So yeah, that Battleship movie about to come out? Apparently that movie is based on the goofy little board game. Why stop there?

We can joke about how Hollywood is running out of ideas, but I wouldn't be surprised if this DID become a movie...

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Comic - Devilishstic

Thu, 10 May 2012 00:00:00 MDT

Maybe people tend to stray away from metal due to the stereotype that it's all written about the devil, or Satan, or whatever.

Luckily, those bands who "sing" about that stuff are so terrible at making their words understandable that it REALLY doesn't matter if they're Satanic.

Guest Writer: Patrick Murphy

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Comic - Stupid Tour Story #622

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:00:00 MDT

This actually happened.

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Comic - Crossing Strings

Thu, 03 May 2012 00:00:00 MDT

I swear that guitarists, especially obsessed ones, get rather... aroused when they talk about gear.

This particular comic was inspired by Joshy and Turf from Screaming Mechanical Brain as they were comparing guitars. That could be a euphemism, but I'll leave that up to your imagination.

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Comic - Techlology

Tue, 01 May 2012 00:00:00 MDT

I still rock my iPad first generation with very little desire to upgrade. It's weird - when it comes to iPhones or processors I get flustered and envious, but with the iPads I don't feel that UBER-MUST-HAVE feeling.

Ooh, a camera and a faster processor! Let me give you $800!

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Comic - Crappy Band Name #2902

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

Here's the ironic thing: There probably IS a band out there that is called "Urethra," AND they probably look like this, AND they'll probably see this, AND they'll file some sort of law suit.

I could use the publicity.

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Comic - Sign It Away

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

If you knew how ridiculous some record contracts could be, you'd probably scoff in anger and go back to not caring. Heh heh.

Oh, and for some reason this is Al's first appearance in a comic.

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Comic - Unblessed

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

This is 100% accurate. Alex won't bless you or anything if you sneeze; he's got some weird anti-conformist reason for not doing it. I'm pretty sure if lots of people like something he hates it on principle.

More fodder for me though. Carry on, Alex.

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Blog - 6 Things that Suck About Malls

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

6 Things that Suck About Malls

Malls. Seriously, what the hell ARE those things? The fearsome shopping black hole of death? The pre-teen hormonal cesspool of awkwardness? The financial leechmonster of bankruptcy?

They are ALL OF THESE THINGS, and so much more.

When I was in Junior High, the Permian Mall in Odessa, TX (now called the Music City Mall - heh) was a two-mile bike ride from my house. I had made several treks there to stare at Nintendo games as well as Super Nintendo games later on. One particular time I had saved up enough allowance money to ride, IN THE RAIN, to purchase a copy of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest.

Yes, THIS game:

Image Courtesy of Lazy Google Image Search

This was my life.

It was a simple life, and at the time I adored having a "gargantuan" shopping resource. I also spent time there with friends to go and "hang out" to "look at girls."

As I got older I started to dislike going to the mall. Maybe I was beginning to discover my innate introversion, or maybe it was the fact that they closed the awesome arcade I enjoyed there as a kid. Who knows.

The thing that later replaced the mall as "the thing to do - OMG we're so effing bored" was to "cruise the drag."

This "Cruising the Drag" nonsense consisted of me and my friends piling into a vehicle and driving up and down a select couple of miles on two major roads in the city. If I remember right... it started at an Arby's on 42nd and turned around at a Sonic on Andrew's Highway.

Oh dear GOD. Why does my brain remember this?

What was going on - I think - was the younger people in town to hang out, start fights, show off car-guy shit, etc. It was completely and utterly boring in every possible way.

Anyway, I'm digressing the shit out of this blog.

The point is this: Malls suck. Here's six of my own personal reasons on WHY they suck.

6. Malls have only 2 stores I actually care about

It's pretty obvious: shops and stores in malls most definitely do NOT cater to the introverted gaming/musician/nerd combo.

Sometimes they'll have an Apple Store, or maybe a Starbucks. Then it's up to FOUR mall thingies that aren't crap!

Five if they brought back arcades. Anyone up for a six player game of X-Men?!

Fuck you, I'm Wolverine.

Okay, I've gotta do a blog about arcades. *writes furiously on yet another sticky note*

5. Feeling fashionablly inadequate

I'm not gonna lie - I don't keep up the TRENDZZZ and FASHIONZzZ like all the cool kids do. I wear stuff that either 1) makes me laugh and/or 2) covers up my junk.

Also, some of the fashion stores are all direct knock-offs of each other too, which begs the question: How do you NOT get option paralysis when you're looking at overpriced pieces of shiny cloth?

4. The overwhelming torrent of scents from those candle stores

Have you ever walked into a very busy scent-based store? Everyone is trying EVERY scent at once. The mixture of scents somehow becomes an unholy cloud of overzealous pleasure scents. They combine their essence to form...

... ESTROGENIUM!

3. Shitcrap music played in the stores

I swear that store owners at these malls find their music nestled at the bottom of bargain bins of truck stops.

How awesome would it be to walk into Victoria's Secret and hear Dilinger Escape Plan earfucking all who enter?

Pause and think about it.

...

... okay, I'll draw it:

2. Salesmen Islands of Doom

I'm going to lose some of my audience probably, but screw it: I loathe salesmen.

I can appreciate that whole comission concept and the need to sell stuff; hell, I do that all the time with Psychostick and (eventually) this very site.

My problem is that "slick" car salesmen thing that malls seem to be infested with at those "Islands" scattered about.

One time I walked past some douche trying to sell me some fancy, imported moisturizer. Yes, that's right: LOTION. I politely said, "No thank you." He persisted. I continued to be polite and eventually had to say, "Dude, I'm not buying lotion. I have no money."

His nice demeanor changed instantly when I said, "no money." It was shocking. He scoffed loudly and angrily, as if I was wasting HIS time, and walked back to his stupid island to pounce on his next victim.

On my way out of the mall later on I walked by the same salesjerk again. He didn't remember me. "Hey man, I've got some premium imported Brazilian hand creme that all the ladies love--"

I hopped back, took a slight Street Fighter stance and said, "I'm the NO MONEY guy, remember?!" I proceeded to pull out my wallet, open it up, and show how empty it was.

He looked at me, slightly confused, then responded: "You've got a debit card."

"You're... REALLY annoying," I said as I laughed and walked away. He continued to TRY and sell me on his stupid lotion.

I loathe you, mall-island douchenozzles.

1. People who go there to "hang out" and walk slowly

I think this might be the single most irritating thing about malls. You know that whole "hanging out" thing I did as a kid as previously mentioned? Apparently that STILL happens.

Look, if you like going to the mall to grind your stupid elbows with your chums - that's fine. Just get the HELL out of the way. Do it to the side of the walkways. Please.

Then when you're 31 and have the time to write about shit that annoys you while drawing crappy pictures, you'll appreciate the finer things in life. Like commenting below, OR, reading up on other blogs.

Sorry; I went salesjerk on you there for a second. :(

Enjoyed it? Donations accepted with slightly evil chuckles.

Comic - Captain Malcolm Hammer

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

All of us in this stupid band are ridiculous fans of Firefly. We've even had our own discussions on what the preacher's past REALLY is, what ends up happening between Mal and Anara (I probably spelled her name wrong), and why that doctor dolt isn't man enough to... enjoy Kaylee.

It's a ridiculous shame that this show was cancelled and something like, I dunno, American Idol, isn't. :(

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Comic - Jenny Craig isn't Roadworthy

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

Not sure what the deal is, but for some reason I gain weight on tour. Maybe it's the buttery carbs and loads of beer I drink? Hmm.

Note: Art nerds; I'm playing with different styles of backgrounds. Any thoughts or advice is always appreciated. FLARG!

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Comic - Crushing the Crush

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

This is a little exaggeration, but most of my crushes haven't really aged that well. High expectation much, self?

Rising standards?

Either way, I won't be attending any reunions. That's for sure.

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Comic - Wireless Woes

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

The logistical magic that a wireless device carries is something that we take for granted at times, especially in the instrumental world.

I have often used this advantageous situation to utilize restroom breaks in the midst of a song. Why wait when you can go NOW!

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Comic - Politically Prone

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 00:00:00 MDT

Let's get into a debate and get angry that our opinions are different!

Maybe I'll start drawing political cartoons? Maybe an elephant cooking a donkey scrambled eggs? Get it? GET IT?!

Neither do I.

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Comic - Angry Band Rock Birds

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 00:00:00 MDT

My brain enjoys the occasional excretion of these so called "ideas."

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Blog - 5 Reasons Why Strip Clubs are Lame

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:00:00 MST

5 Reasons Why Strip Clubs are Lame

Oh, I can hear the gay jokes now.

"Hey ROHAWRB, why you not like strip clubs? FART BLARG FART You like the company of MAN PARTS IN YOUR FACE?"

Satisfied? ... no?

"Your new name is 'BUTT SPIELUNKER RAWRB!'"

Alright, surely you must be don--

"When you go to a restaurant and the server takes your order, do you order a glass of orange juice and a plate full of PENISES (or Penii, whatever is the adequate plural) with a side of freshly prepared TESTICLESZ?"

Well, that was uncalled for but I--

"You want to explore space, don't you RAWRHB? You want to discover Planet Dickius, land there, make friends with natives, start a new Dick Colony, discover new types of Dickiusness, and swim in the vast, unexplored oceans of dicks!"

Really? You done?

"BUTTSEX IS YOU"

Hey. THIS.

A Rant Before The Rant

Now before you assume I'm about to jump into the "I was raised to respect women" theology other anti-strip club rants usually launch into, don't worry - I'm not going there. While I was raised with that notion in mind, I quickly learned that "respecting women" certainly doesn't mean "let them walk all over you." But that's another blog for another time. A very long, angry, funny, rant-filled blog.

I certainly do not think strip clubs are degrading. Nope. The ladies that choose to take their clothes off for a living make that decision themselves, even though they probably aspired to be something... more.

I'm not here to judge...

...

... wait, okay, I am. BUT I plan on doing it in a funny way! That makes it alright - right?

(That was rhetorical)

Let's go down on the countdown.

5. Those awkward moments when you turn down lap dances

Anyone who's been to a strip joint knows EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Despite the time(s) you might've gone, or the quality of strip club, there's always at least that one stripper that's, plainly put, not attractive in the slightest.

She just shouldn't be stripping.

Hell, she should never take clothes off. EVER.

And despite your efforts to avoid her, she'll always approach you...

... and offer up a lap dance.

'Tis a shameful, mortifying experience that even a thousand hours of genital intimacy from various cacti wouldn't be able to remedy.

4. Paying money to walk out frustrated

I'm not talking just sexually frustrated; I'm also talking about FINANCIALLY frustrated.

It's a lose/lose situation. You give money to chicks to give you a boner (scientifically put), and after that she does the same thing to some other dudes afterwards.

What's the appeal here again?

Anyone?

Bueller?

3. What you see is NOT what you get

I love how these "Gentlemens' Establishments" use black lights and a dimly lit atmosphere to "cover up" the moles, pimples, bullet holes, extra fingers, etc. The more black lights and dimmer the room, the more likely those ladies are hiding... "stuff."

In this case, I suppose it's better to hide the scaries. Enjoy the illusion! And we all know this isn't always the case, but you'd be surprised.

Don't watch HD porn either. YIKES.

2. No, that one cool hot stripper doesn't actually like you

I've heard the "alpha-wanna-be-guy" stories where some dude will walk into a strip club, be suave, and nail the stripper in the VIP room or some crap. What's that? Wow! You were able to play on an already insecure stripper's emotions to get her to fiddle your junk! Quick, call the Nobel Peace Prize committee! You deserve worldwide recognition for your significant accomplishment!

Listen Captain Tough-Awesome-Hercules-Titanium, I don't care. At all.

While we're on this subject, "exotic dancers" are ALL insecure on some level; usually an astronomical level. They don't just get MONEY out of stripping, they also get this little thing called EMOTIONAL VALIDATION!

Anyway, let's paint a hypothetical. Let's say, for whatever stupid reason, she really is enamoured with you and invites you to a special location for some "privacy."

I'd be willing to bet half-a-continent that you aren't the first guy she's done that to, and you WON'T be the last. Why is this a big deal? Let me read them off to you.

*ahem*

Chancroid, Chlamydia, Granuloma, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Candidiasis, Hepatitis B, Herpes Simplex, HIV, HPV, Molluscum contagiousum, Crabs, Scabies, and Trichomoniasis

Don't misunderstand. I enjoy SUPER SEXUAL RHOMPUS LAND just as much as any other red-blooded guy, but strippers are usually more sexually active than non-stripping womens due to their profession. That tends to mean they're more likely to be collecting STDs like Pokemon.

Gotta catch 'em all.

1. The "other" guys in the club

Hey fellas. Next time you're in a strip club take a look around for a moment at the OTHER gentlemen there.

Now take note of the level of sleaze that is present.

There's a reason why this one is number one. No matter how much you justify it, no matter how much sugar you coat it with, you're forehead-deep in that cesspool of pure, uncut SLEAZE.

These guys - these "regulars" - have to pay money to coerce women to pay attention to them. Think about that.

I know that sometimes there'll be an occasion when you and your buddies go to a strip club to celebrate a birthday, or a bachelor party, or whatever. That's completely understandable. Sometimes it's just fun to hang with your posse/crew/homies/douche congregation in a place filled with naked ladies.

Just don't ignore that sudden urge to take seventy-eight hot, anti-bacterial showers when you get home.

You know what a funny word is? NARDS. "My NARDS are fungi free!" YAY!

Enjoyed it? Donations accepted with slightly evil chuckles.

Blog - 8 Reasons Why I'm Glad I Never Went to College

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:00:00 MST

8 Reasons Why I'm Glad I Never Went to College

(If this article comes across as condescending, it's only because I'm awesome.)

Oh that's right. I'm gonna poke, prod, and grind into this subject until you walk away with an uncomfortable rash and/or electronic herpes.

Is college a waste of time? No. It's an UNSPEAKABLE waste of time. Every time my stupid band plays a show, or something cool happens, OR I wake up at 1:00 PM after saying up until 6:00 AM playing Skyrim/with myself, there's a part of me that says, "Thank you, NOT COLLEGE, for allowing me to enjoy the lifestyle that isn't misery."

How can I justify such a counter-intuitive and/or unconventional way of thinking? Oh let me count the ways.

8. Taking the road less traveled can yield greater rewards.

In our current society we are unknowingly preordained to follow a very specific, unspoken path in life:

Allow yourself to be born
Graduate high school
Go to college
Get a safe, boring, reliable job within a cubicle prison
Get married
Procreate
Die from emphysema/dinosaur attack

Don't get pissy. Mom and Dad just want you to be safe and happy.

As much as parents want you to be safe, there's a part of them that want you to be brave and bold because they weren't able to. Oh believe me, they'll never admit it.

Let this soak into your brain-pudding: the best success stories always begin with some sort of risk-taking. Thinking outside the box innovates. Nearly every piece of technology that you interact with started with some geek obsessing over it with very little formal education.

"I will never let school interfere with my education." - Mark Twain

7. I didn't have to pay for the most expensive party ever

Let's tackle the money thing first since finances always seem to skull-rape us extra hard.

Colleges are businesses. I'd be okay with this if, and only if, schools would preach college as an option in life and not a requirement.

Think about this: You're a senior in high school, graduating in a week. You've been pressured from parents, teachers, relatives, etc, to pick a school and a profession. How are you, at 17 or 18 years old, supposed to know what you want to do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD?

Most kids change their major several times before settling on something. That means they'll spend an extra year or two (OR MORE) in college... which ultimately means more money goes into the college.

There's just something... not right about that. Using social pressure on innocent kids to make a profit? Yeah. LAME. I know several people that changed their major on many different occasions and end up graduating with a degree they DON'T EVEN USE.

This'll also tickle your e-pickle: many kids will go to college to be part of that "party" atmosphere. Wanna know something funnier?

You don't even have to go to college to live on campus and party it up.

True story: Tempe, AZ is the the home of Arizona State University, home of one of the craziest, most party-ing-est campuses in the USA. Rather than do something silly like "go to college," I just moved into an apartment that was technically on campus.

Had myself a great time there and didn't get tens-of-thousands of dollars in debt.

I accept your praise and/or flipping of the bird.

6. I never have to set foot into a classroom ever again

Forget sleeping aids. If I ever, EVER need to get sleep, I just need to attend a class, especially one teaching a subject I'm not interested in.

I have the upmost respect for high school teachers. They get to be stuck in a room full of students who don't want to be there.

While I do think education is important, I also think we need to be a little realistic. What sort of real skills do the kids REALLY need? Can't they actually choose stuff they're interested in?

Sure, a broad education in the basics up through 8th grade makes sense, but after that kids should be able to pursue something they're really interested in.

Since we're on this stupid subject, school pretty much caters to those who are good at following directions. No conceptual thinking and/or outside-the-box artistic types are encouraged, just DO WHAT WE TELLS YOU OR YOU WILL FAIL FOREVER STUPID

5. I didn't have to maintain a "GPA"

The real world doesn't care about grades or if you've kept your nose in book longer than the person next to you.

Today's grading system is archaic and doesn't yield many rewards for kids to get a higher grade. Pretty much all you get is a pat on the head and not getting grounded by your parents.

What's wrong with overachieving at something you're INTERESTED in rather than a bunch of crap you don't care about?

Think about this: if there was real incentive to get higher grades, wouldn't that be a better example of how life really works? In the real world if you do something awesome, usually you get something in return. In school the most you get is either a trophy, a piece of paper basically saying, "YOU DID IT," or someone thinking you're kind-of smart.

All three of those things can be forged. :)

4. I Got to Disappoint All of my Relatives

Oh Rawrb, you so mean.

Just about everyone in my family had pictured me as an engineer, or a doctor, or in the air force. I wanted to make VIDEO GAMES.

We clashed.

Now while I haven't reached my goal of making extremely fun and/or addictive video games (and I will someday), I took up web development and Psychostick, both of which didn't exactly go over well with certain... uptight relatives.

Heh heh.

3. I don't have to deal with "prerequisites"

I don't think this needs much explanation.

When you boil things down, prerequisites are another way of getting more cash out of you. Some make sense, like taking geometry before you take courses on architecture, but most do not and should be done away with. ANGRILY.

2. I Actually Get to Do whatever I Want

So let's say you graduate college. Nowadays (and you can look up the statistics on this) you aren't even close to being guaranteed a job.

And even if you DO get that job you've been gunning for out of school, is that really what you want to do until you retire?

1. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are college dropouts.

(Steve, you'll be missed)

Bottom line: Should you go to college? Only if YOU (and only you) decide to go. I also realize that craptons of classes and education is important for certain career choices, like becoming a surgeon or a nuclear physicist.

Don't go to college only because someone else wants you to. If you aren't sure what you want to do with your life, that's perfectly okay. Get out of your mom's basement and experience the real world for a while.

Not that Real World reality show crap.

Stupid.

Enjoyed it? Donations accepted with slightly evil chuckles.

Blog - 5 Dumb Questions Bands Get Asked

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:00:00 MST

5 Dumb Questions Bands Get Asked

You might be thinking, "Gee, this Rawrb guy is a jerk. How could I possibly know the answer to these questions? I wasn't in a band straight outta the birth canal, shitbag!" If this is your thought, I apologize. Think of this as an informal education on the complicated world of touring.

Or, you can swim in a pool of ignorance and/or cat intestines. Up to you.

5. "Why aren't you in a tourbus?"

Cost.

On average, a tour bus costs about $1000...

... PER DAY.

Think about how much it costs you to pay rent, your phone bills, etc. If you lived in a tour bus for an entire month, just ONE month, that's $30,000. THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Yep.

4. "Why aren't you coming to my isolated, desolate city just for me?"

This isn't really a DUMB question, but is (more or less) the one most frequently asked.

Honestly, there are many reasons, but you gotta remember that it's NOTHING PERSONAL between you and the band. Seriously.

Some reasons why we couldn't make it to your city: not in the routing, pay wasn't right, promoter was a douche, better offer two hours away, not a strong following in that city - the list could go on.

Actually... I take that back. It IS your fault that we don't play your little town. Why? Just... LOOK AT YOU! Have you SEEN you lately? Yikes.

3. "Why didn't you play every single song off of all of your records?"

Real explanation: Bands tend to only have 45 minutes or less to play. Hell, when we played Mayhemfest we only had TWENTY MINUTES, which was about 5 songs.

Five.

Believe me, unless they're complete doucherockets (and there are some out there), they bands aren't intentionally leaving out stuff because they don't like you.

2. "Why can't you play my house party?"

Parties are... unstable. So unstable in fact that we've only played one where we weren't ordered to shut down due to noise complaints. Then there's the drunken craziness that involves flying beer, stolen gear, and a plethora of other goofiness.

Oh, and parties suck. Just saying. :)

1. "Why aren't you more famous than CHRISTINA BEIBER SPEARS?"

It's no secret: The music industry doesn't sell music. They sell products.

Marketability and appeal to masses is what makes your band famous. Or "pop-star" or whatever. Oh, and money. The right amount of cash at the right time can do wonders for your act. Wonders.

Anyway, best thing to do is just write and perform what you love and throw various meat products at chicks go who clubbing. THAT is how you change things.

Enjoyed it? Donations accepted with slightly evil chuckles.

Blog - The 6 Archetypes of Sound Guys

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 00:00:00 MDT

The 6 Archetypes of Sound Guys

Ahh, sound guys. I really don't know their technical title. "Audio Magician" maybe? "Guy who flips knobs and sometimes looks like Kenny Rogers?" Who knows. Point is, if you've ever played a show as a band, or were even part of the crew, you've probably dealt with a sound guy of some kind.

Sound guys have incredible power over how your performance goes. You're pretty much at their mercy. Normally bands and sound guys get along - we (Psychostick) strive for peace and harmony in order to maxmize the overall experience for the crowd. It's PAINFUL for me to watch a band bitching about the sound on stage while the sound guy says:

"Oh what's this? You're whining about wanting more high-end with guitars? Here, let me turn it up to ELEVEN!

Awh, would you look at that? Now there's blood emerging from the crowds' collective ears! That certainly won't help you sell merchandise."

We follow a simple rule: Work WITH your sound guy and never piss him off. If he throws a fit, freaks out, or start complaining, just stand back and focus on getting through the show and keeping things civil.

If your sound guy completely rules, I'd highly recommend tipping him/her. Anything helps. If he's loving your set and your band, definitely give him a CD for him to spin at other shows in between bands.

Throughout our touring career, we've encountered many different flavors of sound guys. Here they are, in order from awesomeazing to downright insufferable.

The Cool Sound Guy

Honestly, this is the type we encounter the most. It's a treat really, especially if you know what you're doing as a band (there'll be another blog about that someday, heh). For example, every so often we'd play a show or two on Mayhemfest and the sound guys there actually became fans of our stupid music after a while.

"You guys gonna play Two Ton Paperweight? I love that one," they'll ask through the talkback mic during sound check.

*sniff* Makes me proud.

The Disorganized Sound Guy

These guys tend to be pretty chill, but I can't tell you how many stages I've walked on and stumbled over tangled cables, broken guitar stands, and mangled hardware.

They say that you can tell a lot about a person based on the books he/she has on his/her shelves. The same principle applies to sound guys and the stage they run.

The Disgruntled Sound Guy

A disgruntled sound guy can hold a grudge for various reasons:

He didn't make it as a rock star
He's sick of hearing the same "nu-metal screamo shit" every night
He's a total gear snob and he's unhappy with the gear he's using or you're using
There was mustard on his burger he ate earlier and he HATES MUSTARD
He just turned 59 and dropping acid doens't seem to work as well anymore
He just found out his wife won "Gangbang Queen of the Year" without him knowing

I remember working with an older sound guy who refused to let me use my wireless mic and instead made me use his... which was a much crappier mic. "Whatever," I thought. During shows, I tend to put my foot up on a monitor every now and then. When I did this at this particular show, he came on stage, tapped me on the shoulder in the middle of a song (in front of a nice sized crowd), and angrily pointed at a "NO FEET ON THE MONITORS" sign.

It's wasn't like those monitors were made of pudding or paper machete. They were nice, sturdy looking monitors. And it wasn't like I was STOMPING or RIVER DANCING on them, I just put my foot up.

The Disappearing Sound Guy

At least the disgruntled sound guy CARES. The vanishing sound guy will always sloppily throw your mix together and run off chasing butterflies.

Where does he go? Does he go out for a smoke? Is there a piece of tail at the bar he's after? DID HE FINALLY DISCOVER HOW TO MANIPULATE SPACE AND TIME TO DESTROY WORLD HUNGER AND CREATE MORE ICE CAPS AND HE HAS TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW TO CLAIM HIS PULITZER PRIZE?!

The Drunk Sound Guy

Buzzed sound guys, not a big deal. DRUNK sound guys? KILL.

A show we played last year had a very skilled sound guy and a phenomenal PA system. The opening band sounded great, but as the night went on the sound guy got drunker...

... and drunker...

Sound check took 20 minutes when it was our turn. TWENTY MINUTES. The dude was clipping the drum mics pretty much backwards and we were all standing there, mouths agape, watching this guy attempt to fumble his drunken carcass around on stage to set us up.

All was well though; after the show I made sure the promoter and owner knew of this idiot's intoxicated adventures. They were not pleased to say the least.

The Incredibly Slow Sound Guy

Incredibly slow sound guys are probably the worst, even if they're nice. Shows tend to have from 3 to 7 bands playing with 15 minute change-overs between bands. That means, 1) band finishes, 2) they tear down, 3) next band sets up, 4) sound check, 5) SHOW STARTS. All that has to happen in 15 minutes or the show falls behind.

"But RHHAWRRHB, a show falling behind a few minutes isn't a big deal!" you clamor nervously.

You know what? Why don't you go bobbing for grenedes in a bucket of rusty razor blades, captain THINK-YOU-KNOW-THINGS!

All that slowness accumulates. It adds up. When shows starts to fall behind, it often snowballs and the headliner can end up going on stage at 1:00 AM or later. This causes a tidal wave of hate.

Not only that, but if a stage manager or tour manger steps in to find a way to make up for lost time, one of the opening bands has to cut songs from their set so the show catches up. Playing a 10 to 15 minute set really sucks.

When things fall behind, it completely KILLS the mood of the show; the crowd gets impatient and they start to leave. Sometimes they'll even complain and/or demand their money back.

Slow sound guys should be fired.

Then rehired.

And fired again.

Sometimes there are sound girls.

I've probably missed a few other species of sound guys. If you have a suggestion, please comment and I might make this blog a two-parter!

BYE